Looking Back, Moving Forward

This isn’t a “final reflections” post.

My program is over, I’ve said goodbye, and I’ve returned to the States. I’m closing the door on my time at Oxford and moving on to whatever comes next. This is the end, right? 

That’s what I feel like I’m supposed to say. But there are so many emotions and thoughts inside me still that I know I can’t close the door behind me yet. Perhaps I may never have to, according to C.S. Lewis.

“‘When you and I met, the meeting was over very shortly, it was nothing…. What it will be when I remember it as I lie down to die, what it makes in me all my days till then–that is the real meeting. The other is only the beginning of it….

‘For the most splendid line [of a poem] becomes fully splendid only by means of all the lines after it….’”

             - from Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis

These aren’t my “final reflections” because my reflections will continue for the rest of my life. And that gives me hope in moving forward.
 

Looking Back: my biggest concerns about studying abroad 

Making Friends

One of my biggest fears about studying abroad was that I wouldn’t meet any like-minded people who I meshed with, so I wouldn’t make any friends. These fears were totally unfounded, and I even ended up growing in my ability to reach out to people and make friends. I felt lonely when I first arrived and during my first couple of weeks in London, but after a while, I was able to get to know one of my flatmates, Sarah, better. We became friends and traveled together throughout the semester. She even came to Oxford on the IES Abroad field trip and for Friendsgiving, and I’ve appreciated her friendship a lot. 

When I moved to Oxford, I ended up meeting so many incredible people. My flatmates were so friendly, other math students encouraged me, a couple people from ballroom dancing and choir became my people there, and people at St. Ebbe’s welcomed me like family. Making friends still took some reaching out, but by the time I left, I felt like I had a little community of awesome friends in Oxford. 

Academics + Grad School Applications

My other major worry was how hard math at Oxford was going to be, especially since I was going to be applying to math PhD programs at the same time. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it all. It turned out that it was a lot - math at Oxford is a little insane and grad school applications definitely took time. But it was alright. Not only did I survive, I think my attitude towards stress and academic work improved. I tend to be very perfectionistic about my work, and I struggle with comparing my work to others’. One of my goals for the semester was to let go of some of those worries and focus on learning and doing my best. With a lot of encouragement, especially from my small group at St. Ebbe’s, I started to change my attitude from trying to achieve perfection to trying to learn and to do my work for God. 

Looking Back: feelings and lessons learned

How did I feel coming back to the States?

I expected to feel as if it was all a dream. Like, the airport was my wardrobe leading to Narnia, and when I came back out of it, I’d still be the same kid I’d been before, feeling as if everything that had just happened had occurred in another world. But instead, I felt different on the inside, even though my surroundings felt perfectly normal as my parents drove me home. My only shock was when, after having lived out of two suitcases for three months, I walked into my room and exclaimed, “There’s so much stuff in here!”

What did I learn? 

Here's just a few things:

• I can live without a lot of stuff, but I do need a piano to play, friends (even when I’m only living somewhere short-term), a regular sleep schedule (my family could have told you that), vegetables, a journal or two, books, at least occasional beautiful scenery, green space, and church
• How to go through security without being scared and how to plan trips 
• That country-hopping every two days is too quick for me
• I love mountains and beautiful landscapes and I’m not a long-term big-city girl (although I should have known this already)
• I love math, even when math classes are really hard
• I actually enjoy walking a lot and would be fine if I didn't have to drive again
• I’m capable of more than I thought 
• God really is everywhere, active among people all over the world 

Moving forward

How did I change? 

Do I feel different? Yes. But also, no. I still feel like the same person deep down. My personality, my values, and worldview didn't drastically change. But I feel like I see myself more clearly and my perspective on the world is a little different too.

I feel more confident. I especially feel confident that I can make friends and create a home for myself in a new place. 

I am much more clear about what I like and don't like. For example, I really can't go long without some nature and quiet. I also like traveling by myself (partly because I'm opinionated and introverted and when solo traveling, I don't even have to discuss plans with others…).

I feel even more sure in some of my values, such as my faith and my choice not to drink. 

Even though there are still some barriers, I feel like the world is far more open to me than I used to believe, and I want to explore it. And more than just seeing different places, I want to get to know people from different cultures. This semester I have been able to talk with people from many different countries, regions, and backgrounds, and I want to continue learning about people. 

I feel more hopeful for future adventures. Overseas travel seemed impossible, then studying at Oxford seemed impossible, then paying for it all seemed impossible. But all of that was possible. Who knows what could happen next? 

How do I feel now? 

In the week since I’ve returned to the States, my surroundings have continued to feel normal. In some ways, I feel like I always do after being away at college for a semester - like I just slammed on the brakes after a semester at full speed, and I miss my friends and being at college. But there are other feelings too, most notably a longing to return to Oxford. I had a week of travel after term ended to cushion the sadness of leaving Oxford, the U.K., and Europe, but it’s still there. I have often found myself wishing that I could return next term. At the same time, I am excited for Christmas and glad for a break. I’m also grateful for longer days and more sunshine here in the Midwest!

Questions remain

As I wrote at the beginning of this post, just because I’ve returned to the States and written my final blog post doesn’t mean the journey is over. My experience can’t be contained in a scrapbook, my camera roll, or a box of mementos to be placed on a shelf. I’ve still got questions to answer and more adventures ahead, and that’s ok. This is just the beginning.